Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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