if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
