he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize