It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize