Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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