Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize