I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
