i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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