I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize