He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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