I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
