remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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