I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
