i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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