So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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