8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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