My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
