i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Houston, we have a squirter
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
how does that bad decision feel?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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