she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
