Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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