Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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