Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
