Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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