She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
