fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
