The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
