i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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