Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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