Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
