my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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