I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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