I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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