turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
