Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
