dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize