i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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