so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize