Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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