I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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