he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
