other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
