He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
