Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
