hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
