just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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