theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
