Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
