Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
