May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
