90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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