Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
