New game: find the sober person in Tbell
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My vagina is very pro this idea
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
