I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize