Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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