we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
