Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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