Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
