its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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