I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
