I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
