guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
