I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
